hello beautiful

She’s the girl who sat behind me in AP English for an entire year
And I didn’t know her name until the last day of school
Part of our grade was based on class participation
And as she read her poem aloud in front of the class with shaking hands
I memorized the locations of the birthmarks on her skin
And thought about how beautiful they could look
If I mapped them out and put them in the night sky

My friends invite her to hang out
And she doesn’t talk almost the entire time
One friend of mine points at her and looks at me
He asks “Does she even talk?”
She smiles politely and says “hi”
I wonder if he understands
that sometimes silence speaks louder than words ever could
And I can hear her loud and clear
Her silence digs malevolently
Into the deepest cavity of my brain
And I have an overwhelming desire
To know what keeps her up at 2am

She has this problem where she can write beautifully
But she still stutters and trips over her words
Thinking that her words are insignificant
That nobody listens, so why bother at all?
But I take in every word like a breath of fresh air
Each one a root that stems into another reason
That makes me question why
I had never looked back before that day
And makes me realize
that I never want to look back again

She lives her life hidden
Behind the lens of a camera
Behind the pages of a book
Behind the screen of a computer
Behind a composition notebook
Because for her, a crowd is not a cure for loneliness
She feels loneliness most insistently in crowds
Social claustrophobia pressed against her lungs
You must understand that she would rather
move her pen than move her lips
because the ink spills, but her voice dries up

You would think that she could just speak what she writes
But her fingers have been taught elegance
And her mouth has not
She always ends up accidentally swallowing her tied up tongue
She goes home every day with lips cracked with regret
of all the things that she should have said

The first time that she and I spent alone together
I couldn’t construct words into sentences
We spoke about our mutual hatred for math
But ironically, I spent hours calculating
How many times she looked at me that day
And measured each angle of the hairpin curve
of her smile when she laughed
The softness of her voice made me want to curl up
Inside of her throat so I could feel the way that words
left her lips when she spoke
She hates her voice
But it is still the soundtrack
Stuck on repeat every night
Before I drift asleep

My heartbeat has kept me awake for four nights now
But I don’t understand the language that it speaks
So I put a stethoscope over my chest
And plug it into my laptop
But Google translate still hasn’t found out
How to translate this feeling into words
There are millions of words in the English language
But no combination of 26 letters
Can accurately compose a novel
About how vulnerable and uncoordinated
She makes me feel

She’s the girl who sat behind me in AP English for an entire year
And I didn’t know her name until the last day of school
Part of our grade was based on class participation
And as she read her poem aloud in front of the class with shaking hands
It was the first time that I felt paralysis shock sent through my body
I was eighteen years old and staring into the shy eyes
of a beautiful girl with a beautiful mind who has since taught me
that falling in love is the most beautiful
and most reckless form of insanity
there is

- "Falling for an Introvert" (via hellboundhaley)

(via hellboundhaley)